Hamlet and Cheese Read online

  Act 1: William Shakesbeard

  Act 2: Girl Cooties

  Act 3: Knock, Knock. Who’s There?

  Act 4: S.W.A.K.

  Act 5: The Macbeth Curse

  Act 6: Pool Noodles and Pukey Pickles

  Act 7: Hamlet and Cheese

  Spleen face!

  Canker blossom!

  Maggot pie!

  Woo-hoo! Friday at last. Spring break time. Mom dropped Stink off at Sophie’s house. He couldn’t wait to make a list of all the fun stuff they could do over spring break.

  Stink rang the bell. Mrs. Woof let him in. He ran downstairs to the playroom. The floor was littered with flying fairies and winged horses and pointy-hatted elves. Sophie of the Elves sat smack-dab in the middle of it all.

  “What’s all this?” Stink asked.

  Sophie held up a bag of unicorns mixed with action figures. “Look at all this good stuff I found at a yard sale!” she said. “Want to play Last Unicorn on Earth?”

  Stink picked up a unicorn. “Hey, this one is missing a leg. And a bunch of them are missing horns.”

  “You just have to love them for who they are,” Sophie said.

  “Wait. How did a Lady-in-Her-Bathrobe toy get in here?”

  “Isn’t the wacky cat lady awesome? There’s more, too. Mustache Guy.

  And Scary Dead Guy. Here’s the best one.” She held up a balding guy with a big collar and puffy pumpkin pants.

  “Hey, isn’t that . . . ? It’s William Shakesbeard!”

  Sophie cracked up. “Close! It’s William Shakespeare.”

  “That’s what I said,” said Stink. “He’s that four-hundred-year-old guy who wrote all those plays, right? Webster gave me comic books of his stories. One story has a floating head in it. And a talking ghost.”

  “Some of his plays have fairies,” said Sophie of the Elves. “And fairy queens. And kings of fairies. And elves. Ooh, I can’t wait for camp.”

  “Camp? You’re going to camp? It’s not even summer.”

  “I’m going to Shakespeare camp for spring break. It starts Monday at the college. It’s called Shakespeare Sprites. You get to dress up and act out plays, and some of the plays have sprites. You should ask your parents to sign you up, Stink, if it’s not too late.”

  “Sprite? You get to drink soda at camp?”

  “Not that kind of sprite. A sprite is a magical being, like an elf. Or a fairy.”

  “But I don’t really want to be in a play. I’d probably get stuck being a mouse. Because I’m short, all I ever get are squeaking parts, not speaking parts.”

  “This camp is different. Everybody gets a speaking part.”

  “For real?”

  “Yup. Also, there’s magic and mad kings and murders in Shakespeare,” said Sophie. “And storms and shipwrecks and sword fights.”

  Shipwrecks! Sword fights! Stink perked up. Shipwrecks and sword fights sounded way-NOT-boring.

  Sophie held up the Shakespeare action figure and made him talk in a deep voice. “C’mon, Stink. Don’t be a cold-blooded, vulture-headed eyeball.”

  “Huh?”

  Sophie jumped up, and Shakespeare dropped his quill pen. “I almost forgot to tell you the best part. At Shakespeare camp, you get to swear.”

  Stink could not believe his ears. “No way,” he said.

  “Actually, it’s more like funny insults. They teach you to talk like people did in Shakespeare’s time. We get to have insult contests and call people silly names like ‘toad-spotted bum bailey.’”

  Stink cracked up. Shipwrecks and sword fights, and bum baileys and beard-wearing at college?

  “So you’ll come?” asked Sophie of the Elves.

  “I will,” said Stink.

  “Did I mention you get a free T-shirt?”

  Stupefying! Hie thee hither!

  Away! Away! First day of camp!

  Stink looked around the room. Shakespeare quotes covered the walls. In the middle of the room sat bins full of costumes, piles of pool noodles, and . . . girls!

  What, ho!

  Girls, girls, and more girls. Girls wearing crowns. Girls missing teeth. Girls sticking out tongues. Girls twirling in dresses. Everywhere, girls!

  “Where are all the boys?” Stink asked Sophie.

  “Huh?”

  “You didn’t tell me I’d be the only boy here! I’m going home.”

  “Hey, I counted frogs with you, Stink. I went on a midnight zombie walk with you.”

  “But you liked doing all that stuff,” said Stink.

  Sophie had stopped listening. She’d spotted the costumes. “Fairy wings!” she said, dashing over to the bin.

  If only Webster had not gone to Mexico for spring break.

  One of the millions of girls ran over to Stink. She had a crown on her head and a veil covering her face. The girl flung back the veil. Yikes-a-roni! Riley Rottenberger: sometimes friend, most times enemy. “What are you doing here?” Stink asked.

  “I’m here for Shakespeare camp, same as you,” said Riley.

  Oh, brother. Could this day get any worse?

  Just then, the acting teacher blinked the lights. “Welcome to Shakespeare Sprites! Hi, everybody! I’m Amanda Beth.”

  Stink plunked himself down beside Sophie. Riley scooted over next to Stink.

  Amanda Beth told them all about Mr. Shakespeare: that he lived in England more than four hundred years ago, that he wore a gold hoop earring, and that he knew 25,000 words. Some said he was the best writer who ever lived. “We’ll also learn what it takes to be good actors,” she told them.

  “Do we get to be in a play?” asked a girl named Lily.

  “You’ll all get to act out one short scene by the end of the week,” said Amanda Beth. “On Wednesday we’re going to learn about a play called Macbeth.”

  “The one with the witches?” asked a girl named Harper.

  “I’ll be a witch!” said Hazel, a girl next to Harper.

  “I’d rather be Juliet,” said Riley, looking straight at Stink.

  “On Wednesday night, we’ll come back to campus to see real actors in an outdoor performance of Macbeth. On Thursday, two of the actors will visit camp to teach us swordplay.”

  Swordplay! Stink sat up on his heels.

  “By Friday we’ll be doing a dress rehearsal. Finally, on Saturday your families are invited to come watch you act out your short scenes. That’s what the week looks like. Anyway, I’m glad to see so many girls —”

  “Stink’s the only boy!” yelled Riley. Stink’s face turned cherry-Popsicle red.

  “In Shakespeare’s time,” said Amanda Beth, “it was against the law for girls to act in plays.” The girls gasped. “So boys had to play all the girl parts.”

  “Boys wore long fancy dresses?” asked Sophie. “And princess hats?”

  “They sure did. They even wore makeup and wigs.”

  “But since we have lots of girls, girls can play boy parts, right?” asked Sophie.

  “Right,” said Amanda Beth. “For an actor, that’s an extra challenge. And there are no laws here like the ones in Shakespeare’s time.”

  “I want to be a sprite,” said Sophie. “Or any kind of fairy. Even a bad one.”

  “I’m sure everyone will get to try out a part they like.”

  Amanda Beth taught them how to make faces: sad faces, mad faces, glad faces.

  Stink practiced his best cuckoo-crazy face on Riley.

  Riley made fishy lips. Smooch, smooch. She made kissy sounds.

  “Gross!” Stink jumped up and grabbed a toilet brush from the props box. He jabbed it in front of him like a pretend sword. “Back, back, you fiend, or it’s Curse of the Toilet Brush for you.”

  “Guess what? There is a lot of kissing in Shakespeare.�
��

  “Nah-uh,” said Stink. “There’s a lot of sword fights and stabbing. Amanda Beth didn’t say anything about —”

  “Shakespeare’s most famous play is Romeo and Juliet,” said Riley in her know-it-all voice. “Romeo and Juliet are big-time in love. O Romeo, Romeo.”

  Riley chased after Stink, but he fended her off with the toilet brush. “Death to Smoochy!” yelled Stink.

  Too bad Amanda Beth waited for the end of the day to teach them about Shakespeare insults! “Shakespeare’s plays,” she told them, “have a lot of colorful words. When a person gets mad or calls someone else a name, the things they say might sound funny to our ears. I’ll show you what I mean.”

  Amanda Beth passed out a list of strange-sounding words. “Use words from each column to make funny-sounding insults. Take these sheets home and practice, because we’ll be using our insults later this week.”

  Spleen face! Canker blossom! Maggot pie! Stink could not wait to try speaking in Shakespeare.

  At home that night, Mom asked, “How was your first day of Shakespeare camp, Stink?” Judy and Dad wanted to hear, too.

  “There’s good stuff and bad stuff,” said Stink. “I learned to make faces.” Stink made an I-just-ate-a-worm face. Stink made an I-just-saw-a-snake face. “And I got to chase a girl with a toilet brush.”

  “That’s good,” said Dad. “I guess.”

  “And today’s only Monday. I still get to call somebody a toad-spotted bum bailey and beat somebody up without even hurting them!”

  “Let’s hear the bad stuff,” Judy said. “Was there a lot?”

  “No. Just two,” said Stink. “Riley and Rottenberger. ”

  Amanda Beth started Tuesday off with a joke. “Knock, knock.”

  “Who’s there?” asked the Sprites.

  “Toby.”

  “Toby who?”

  “To-by or not to be. That is the question.”

  “To be or not to be. That’s a famous Shakespeare line!” Sophie said.

  “Good for you,” said Amanda Beth. “Did you know we have Shakespeare to thank for the first knock-knock joke?”

  “For real?” asked Stink.

  “In his play Macbeth, you can find the lines ‘Knock, knock. Who’s there?’ when someone knocks on Macbeth’s door.”

  Sophie looked at the Shakespeare quotes on the walls. She made up her own joke.

  “Knock, knock.”

  “Who’s there?” asked Stink.

  “Arthur.”

  “Arthur who?”

  “Arthur world’s a stage. Get it? All the world’s a stage. It’s another famous line.”

  “Good one!” said Stink. “Knock, knock.”

  “Who’s there?” asked Sophie.

  “Hal.”

  “Hal who?” Riley butted in.

  “Hal do I know? I’ve only been at Shakespeare camp for like a day.”

  Riley snorted. “You’re funny, Stink. I got one. Knock, knock.”

  “Who’s there?” asked Stink.

  “Puck.”

  “Puck’s my favorite sprite!” said Sophie. “From A Midsummer Night’s Dream.”

  “Puck who?” asked Stink.

  “Pucker up, Stink.” Riley puckered up her lips. Mwah, mwah.

  “More like puke,” Stink teased back.

  “Before Shakespeare camp is over,” said Riley, “I predict you, Stink E. Moody, will be getting a big fat sloppy wet one.”

  Riley Rottenberger sure had kissing on the brain.

  “Remember I told you we’d be doing some fun activities to warm up our voices?” said Amanda Beth. “Let’s try some tongue twisters today. Tongue twisters aren’t just fun, they help us learn to speak clearly. No need to use indoor voices here. I want your voices to be big and bold. Ready?”

  “Ready!”

  “Repeat after me,” said Amanda Beth. “Red leather, yellow leather.”

  “Red leather, yellow leather,” said the Sprites.

  “Smelly shoes and socks shock sisters.”

  “Smelly shoes and socks shock sisters,” said the Sprites.

  “Wow. You guys are too good at this. Red blood, blue blood. Three times fast.”

  “Red blood, blue blood. Red bud, boo bud. Red blue, blood bread.”

  “Gotcha!” said Amanda Beth, and she chuckled. “Good work. But remember, acting is not just speaking. It’s remembering lines, speaking them clearly, using expression, and moving around the stage. You don’t want to be up onstage like this.” Amanda Beth stood stiff as a board, arms at her sides.

  “It helps to loosen up our muscles before going on. Let’s get up and stretch.”

  Amanda Beth had them reach to the sky, then down to the floor. Amanda Beth had them leap in the air. Amanda Beth had them shake their hands and heads and feet. She even had them stretch their faces by pretending to scream.

  “Now we should all be ready to play some acting games. Role-playing is pretending to be somebody else. Think about how a person would feel, what they might say or do. We call this getting into character.”

  Hazel had to pretend to be an old man and Harper was his new puppy. Sophie and Lily acted like soccer players and Macy was their whistle-blowing coach.

  Amanda Beth pointed to Stink and Riley. “Pretend you’re in a candy store. Riley, you’re the mother. Stink, you’re the kid, and you want candy. Go.”

  STINK: Candy, candy, CANDY! I want candy. Please, Mommy. Please-please-please-please-please can I?

  RILEY: We’re not buying any candy today, Stink. We’re just looking.

  STINK: Sugar, sugar, sugar!

  RILEY: No sugar. Sugar is bad for you.

  STINK: Me want gum. Me want lolly. (Stink popped a pretend lollipop in his mouth and raced around the room.)

  RILEY: Stink! No running with a lollipop. You’ll fall and get hurt! (Stink keeps on running.) Come back here, Stink! I’m your mother. You have to listen. Do you want to fall and end up at the hospital again? (Stink trips and falls.)

  STINK: (on ground, holding knee) WAAH!

  RILEY: Aw, Stink got a boo-boo. Mommy will make your owie better. Where does it hurt? Here. Let Mommy give you a great big —

  STINK: Aagh! (hopping up and running away from Riley) Never mind, Mommy. I don’t need candy. I’ll just have fruit.

  After camp, Sophie came over to Stink’s house to make up Shakespeare insults.

  “Good save today!” said Sophie. “With Riley and the candy store thing.” She high-fived Stink.

  Sophie reached into her backpack to find the Shakespeare insult list. When she pulled it out, a smelly pink envelope fell to the floor. On the front of the envelope were the letters S.W.A.K.

  “What’s that?” Stink asked.

  “Oh, right. That’s a note from You-Know-Who. She asked me to give it to you.”

  “What’s S.W.A.K.?” Stink asked.

  Sophie shrugged. “Shakespeare Wants A Kazoo?”

  “Or Shakespeare Was A Kangaroo?” Stink and Sophie cracked up.

  Judy came into Stink’s room. “Hi, guys. What’s so funny?”

  “Nothing. You wouldn’t get it,” said Stink.

  Judy picked up the pink envelope. “Don’t touch that!” said Stink. “It has cooties!”

  Judy held it at arm’s length. “S.W.A.K. Sealed. With. A. Kiss!”

  “Gross!” said Stink. “Flush it. Right now. Down the toilet.”

  “Who’s it from?” Judy asked.

  “Riley Rottenberger,” said Sophie.

  “Ooh, a love letter,” Judy teased.

  “Not funny,” said Stink.

  “Riley Rottenberger likes Stink,” said Sophie.

  “Does not,” Stink protested.

  “Does too. She’s Captain Obvious,” said Sophie.

  “She just thinks she’s the best at acting and everything,” said Stink.

  “She tried to kiss you!” said Sophie. “She thinks she’s Juliet. And you’re her boyfriend. O Romeo, Romeo.”

  “Like whoa
,” said Judy.

  “Riley says there’s a ton of kissing in Shakespeare. Since I’m the only boy, I think I’m gonna get kissed no matter what I do. Methinks I’m going to have to quit Shakespeare camp.”

  “You can’t quit, Stink!” said Sophie. “We didn’t even get to sword fighting yet.”

  “You don’t want to miss sword fighting, Stink,” said Judy. “I have a better idea. Let’s make you an anti-kissing shield!”

  “Sweet!” said Sophie of the Elves.

  “A shield that’s Riley-proof?” asked Stink. “For Riley Rottenberger, you need full body armor. Or a super-atomic, anti-smooching force field wherever you go.”

  Judy ran to her room and came back with a piece of cardboard almost as tall as Stink. “Here. I was saving this for a good cause.”

  Stink drew the shape of a shield on the cardboard, and Sophie helped cut it out. Judy got out crayons and markers and glitter and duct tape.

  “Let’s make a big bad pair of lips with a NO sign crossing it out,” said Stink.

  Judy drew the lips and Stink and Sophie colored them red. Stink drew a NO sign over the lips. He duct-taped a handle to the back.

  He held the shield out in front of him. “Presenting . . . the way-official, no-Rottenberger, anti-smooching shield.”

  “RARE,” said Judy.

  “Be not afraid of greatness! Some are born great,” said Stink.

  “And some are born with a great big head,” said Judy. She laughed at her own joke and took the art supplies back to her room.

  Stink leaped up and tried out the shield. “Back, back, foul Smooch Monster!”

  “Oops. Time for me to go, Stink,” said Sophie.

  “But what about making up insults?” asked Stink. “I feel one coming on right now. Puke-stocking dung beetle!” Stink cracked up.

  “Stink-eyed canker blossom!” Sophie shot back.

  All day at camp on Wednesday, Stink was on the lookout for Smoochy. He kept his shield close, and a backup disguise in his pocket.